Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I understand Curling. That high.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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