Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
