I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
