i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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