unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
