Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
