i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
