I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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