if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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