It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
