I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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