She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
