Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
