i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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