have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
