I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
