Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
