do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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