My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
