my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
