is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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