i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
