In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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