the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
