Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
