The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
