Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
