You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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