That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
