I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hippo gnu deer
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
