Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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