I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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