im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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