I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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