I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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