whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
True strength comes from lack of pants
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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