Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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