I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
