Someone shit on the floor
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
