Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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