just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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