I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
