im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
