You work out of a Hotel?
Where is the hickey?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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