Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
