Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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