1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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