I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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