I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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