I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
