my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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