the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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