Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
