If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
