I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
