Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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