Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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