I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
