I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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