I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize