mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
