every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
