my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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