so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
