Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So vagazzling was a success
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
