I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think your dad took our porno
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
